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Archive for the ‘Like it or not I’m a Runner’ Category

Seven & Half Miles in Heaven

Posted in Like it or not I'm a Runner, tagged , , , , , , , , , on May 27, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

i am the race director for a small local charity race.  this is our third year and so far it has included a kids dash and a 5k.  well i decided that since i live in one of the most beautiful places on earth and the race is already gorgeous, a longer race would give an even better opportunity to see more of it.  so a friend & i set out to measure the course yesterday and it was fabulous.  now i must say i slowed her down considerably.  i am not accustomed to running & talking.  i train alone.  so in my attempt to visit i kept running out of air & i walked a lot.  my slowest mile was mile four at like 14 minutes, i told you it was slow.  but it was also wonderful.  my shins didn’t hurt afterward and even though i looked like a walking tomato, it was wonderful.  we headed out at 7am, but it was hot by then.  an hour & half later, it was even hotter.  the course is going to be a 15 mile out & back run.  i am excited about offering it to my faithful runners.  so if you have nothing better to do on sept. 8, 2012, you could run with us at the Running of the Elk 5k & 15 mi Valley Run at Ponca, Arkansas.  100% of the proceeds benefit Arkansas Children’s Hospital.  for more info visit www.buffaloriverrun. com

it is a beautiful area, we run hwy 43 & 21 in Boxley Valley along the Buffalo National River.

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I was spiralling, but I caught myself just in time.

Posted in Daily Life, Like it or not I'm a Runner, tagged , , , , , , , , on May 16, 2012 | 2 Comments »

Dangerous Risk Adrenaline Suicide by Fear of F...

(Photo credit: epSos.de)

that title is a mouthful.  it is also the truth.  for quite a while now i have been in what i had labeled a “funk”.  but to be really honest, it was depression.  i have never been diagnosed with depression, but looking back on my life there has always been a side of myself i kept hidden.  and the reason was that it scared me.  i didn’t like it.  i was raised in a good Christian home and taught that suicide, mental disorders and the like was wrong and for those who were not “where they should be with God.”  i have heard the hell fire and damnation sermon regarding suicide and i do feel it is a horrible thing for anyone to suffer.  there are times though when you get so far inside yourself that you really can’t feel, see, hear, smell, or touch the outside world.  you get drawn inside yourself and there seems like no way out.  i have had the thought cross my mind.  once seriously, but for the most part my difficulty with depression was not about suicide.  that would only have others think even less of me than i thought they already did.  i would not want to be an eternal disappointment.  so don’t read this and think it is my way of reaching out for help.  it’s just me being really honest and getting some things off my chest.

as a child i never felt like i was good enough.  that continued into my teen years.  always feeling less than everyone else.  i was good at covering it up.  there was/is nothing i like better than making people laugh.  when you laugh you forget your problems.  i could make up stories and tell them on the school bus and have everyone’s undivided attention.  they laughed they cried, they enjoyed themselves.  and during that time i felt they were not scrutinizing me.  my chubbyness, huge glasses, braces, frizzy hair, none of that mattered when i was “entertaining” them.  but then came the dark side.  never being myself, because who would want to be around me, if i wasn’t “on”.  i always wanted to be a comedienne, because i could make people laugh and who doesn’t like to laugh?

i struggle with this to this very day.  not much has changed.  well the braces are off, i have contacts and luckily found mousse for my hair. but that same little insecure girl still lives in this heart.  she longs for acceptance and doesn’t seem to find it very often.  i try to entertain even my friends by often being the butt of my own jokes.  i think owning up to this self-destructive behaviour is good for me.  i am being honest and that takes courage.

this last stint with being depressed nearly destroyed me.  i was never so critical of myself in my entire life. i stopped blogging, i stopped running, i just wanted to be alone.  alone to wallow in my own misery.  nothing felt right.  no one could say the right thing.  i was just miserable.  but today while running, yes running, i felt something start to lift.  i was having a hard time running, but i was smiling.  i used to do that all the time.  no matter what hill, what pain, what weather, if i was running i was smiling.  and today i felt that feeling of being so out of control begin to lift.  it is gradual, but it has begun.  i am so grateful for that .  God lets us go as far as we possibly can sometimes to grow and see where we were and where we can be.  He is not a failure, so a creation of His is likewise not a failure.  I will remind myself of this 1000 times, but today it resonates.  i feel the load lifting and i am enjoying the feeling of just being me.

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What If????

Posted in Like it or not I'm a Runner, tagged , , , , , , , on May 11, 2012 | 2 Comments »

oh how i love the what if game.  some have called me pessimistic at times.  i say nay nay, i am an optimist at heart on the things that matter.  i give people the benefit of the doubt-some call that being naive.  i just like to think that everyone is honest and tells the truth.  now i have been let down a time or two with that attitude, and fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, well you know the rest.  when i run however, something changes in me.  i have had some weird things happen when running and maybe that is why, but here is my list that runs through my mind at most if not every run.  oh and please i would love for you to comment below with your favorite or infamous “what ifs”  they can be running related or not.  i would just love to know that i am not the only one who plays this game.

WHAT IF:

  • every thing that rattles the leaves was in fact a snake coming after me
  • every van that drove by was in fact a “creeper van”
  • that car that doesn’t move over one inch actually clips me
  • i fall off the bluff dodging a car, could i pull myself back up and hobble to the fj
  • everyone that is driving by is actually judging me as harshly as i imagine
  • people actually knew the little mind games i play when i run “just make it to the next road sign….” would they have me committed?
  • i accidentally shoot myself with my pepper spray
  •  a mountain lion or bear jumps out of the woods and chases me?
  • one person who sees me running is inspired to try, to make the effort to do the same?
  • my shorts fall down
  • maggie gets to the point she can’t run with me anymore
  • i tear my feet again
  • i keep trying, keep making the effort and just enjoy life

they are meant to be funny, this is what lingers on my mind for almost all my runs and you just never know what will pop in there.  well that is the list for the day.  i would love to hear some of your what ifs.

Cougar / Puma / Mountain Lion / Panther (Puma ...

Cougar / Puma / Mountain Lion / Panther (Puma concolor) closeup. Philadelphia Zoo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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The Little Things

Posted in Daily Life, Like it or not I'm a Runner, tagged , , , , , , , , on May 10, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

growing up i was taught that the little things matter.  there was no such thing as a little white lie, a lie was a lie, no matter what category you wanted to list it under.  but it seems there comes a time in our lives that we want to be in control of things that we really have no control over or any business trying to control.  we just can’t help ourselves i guess.  we want to control everything.   from the weather, to the cost of food-we just want to rule over everything in our lives.  but i say there is a little bit of victory in letting go.

now i know i am not one to talk on this subject.  i am a micro-manager if there ever was one, but it comes at a price.  i am exhausted all the time.  there are times when my family looks at me with eyes that at times are full of pity and other times are full of contempt.  but i try, oh i try to take care of everything.  and there are times when that burden is too much.  i can’t fix everything for my daughter, life has it ups and downs and when i stand back and let her take the reins she is all the better for it.  that is a victory.

today i was up and at it early.  cabins to clean and boy did i ever earn my pay today.  YUCK was the word of the day.  some people are so gross and inconsiderate.  but there i go, passing judgment on someone else.  trying to control how someone else handles their stuff.  i packed a change of running garb so i could go straight to the highway and run after i was finished cleaning.  no excuses that way.  i have been in a running funk lately and i can feel it passing, but it has lingered longer than any other ever has and it was getting really annoying.

i stretched at the cabin and then drove to the highway.  eager to get started i began my slow little warmup shuffle.  truthfully most of my running is a shuffle-just different degrees.  but i am determined to get back at it and stop being so negative toward myself.  i am running with 20 extra pounds and my times are not that far off from a year ago when i was lighter and had a better mental attitude.  honestly just me realizing that fact is a little victory.  so i get started and it is hilly, but manageable, i run this road all the time.  i have heard in other aspects of life that the first step is the hardest, well for me the first mile is the hardest.  it takes me a mile to decide i am not going to stop, i am not going to die and that everything will be okay.

today as i finished my first mile my knee was a little  sore and my shins were hurting.  normally on this particular loop just as the one mile marker is finished i “make up time” running the down hill at the fastest pace i can.  today though i tried a different approach.  i just kept the same pace.  enjoying the ease of it, not killing my lower legs with running downhill and then needing to walk up hill at the turn around.  the turnaround for this loop is at the bottom of the hill and if i go all out then i usually need to walk a minute or so to let my lungs and legs have a break.  well not today.  that little adjustment made a world of difference.  i was able to keep the same pace up the hill and finish the run with out walking at all.  the last mile is almost 100% uphill and it was great.  i did 3.1 miles and though i wish i was going 5-7 miles a day, i did not let that victory escape me.  it was a good run, a good effort and a lovely spring day.  who could ask for more.

so the little things do add up.  i don’t mean ten “little” lies equal one big lie.  things like letting your child make their own bed, letting your husband cook his own meal (knowing the disaster that will follow), leaving clothes folded the “wrong” way instead of re-folding them.  those little things add up to a huge amount of peace of mind and satisfaction.  knowing that i don’t control the universe is a blessing and one i need to be reminded of from time to time.

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Just Run

Posted in Like it or not I'm a Runner, tagged on April 25, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

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Look What I Found!

Posted in Like it or not I'm a Runner, tagged on April 24, 2012 | 2 Comments »

i ran for 30 some odd minutes today & look what i found!!!

smiley

smiley (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

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Unplugged or Unhinged?

Posted in Like it or not I'm a Runner, tagged , , , , , on April 24, 2012 | 4 Comments »

i had a lot of time to think yesterday.  after the post about me being a little aloof about running.  i looked back on the time when i couldn’t run.  how much i missed it.  how i longed to run.  i think the idea of it had grown so much in my head that i didn’t take the time to realize that starting over would be hard.  yes i knew that, but i don’t know that i processed it.  i started to think of why i didn’t feel like running & what i found surprised me.  i seemed like the most prominent reason was that i didn’t like what others would think/say about me.  sound stupid?  well it is.  but it is also my reality.  judgment of others has been the deciding factor for most of the decisions i have ever had to make.  so by the evening i had resigned to the fact that i would run on the treadmill.  that would be the answer.  i could run & no one would have to see me doing it.  well that’s all fine & good, but then this little voice, this tiny but tenacious voice started whispering, then talking, and finally shouting at me.  “who are you doing this for?”  “why do you care?”  “you are of value”  “your feelings matter”  “hey there is pie in the kitchen”  well that last thought was counter productive, but it was there all day.  – and you know what? i ate pie.  all the while thinking, “take that thyroid, you suck anyways so there, i’m eating pie!”  smart? ugh no.  human?  i suppose.  but the pie is beside the point.

i decided i was disgusted with running because i hated what (i imagined) others thought of me.  in my mind everyone who saw me running thought:

  • whoa big girl running
  • why even try when you are that slow/fat
  • honey you need to keep on running right past the fridge
  • they make running tights that size??
  • do you get tired of turtles lapping you?

and why do i think these things?  i dunno.  no one has ever been this cruel (to my face).  no one but myself that is.  i scrutinize every bite, every step, everything i do.  and i am sick of it.  i am sick of this over-analyzing lifestyle.  tired of counting – oh the counting.  count calories, fat, protein, steps, miles, EVERYTHING.  i am tired of it all.

so here is how i am going to shake things up.  i’m going to have fun.  i’m going to eat real food, clean food and eat until i am satisfied.  i am going to run.  i am going to run in public if i want.  i am going to track my runs, but i am not going to look at the watch.  i am not going to monitor everything.  i am going to go run.  stop when i truly want to (not within that first mile or two that i always dread) and when i am done?  i am gonna plug my tracker into the computer and not look.  what the what?  yes i said it.  i will not look at my beloved data for two weeks.  that will be tough, but i’m gonna try.  that is about as “unplugged” as i am willing to do right now.  i am going to see if that helps my mood any.  my life should not be hinged to the number between my toes each morning.  my worth is not attached to how fast/slow i run.  what matters is that i am happy.  that sounds so foreign to me.  my life should be based on my own happiness.   what a novel concept.  i think i’ll give it a try.  Lord knows i’ve tried making everyone else happy.   so i’m giving it a whirl.  wish me luck!

 

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Feeling a bit Defeated

Posted in Like it or not I'm a Runner, tagged , , , , , , , on April 23, 2012 | 2 Comments »

want some cheese with that whine?  yes i figure that will be the feeling some have after reading this.  sorry, but i really don’t care.  i have had a rough time for the last couple months and after a few sporadic posts i need to talk.

from september of last year i have gained 20 lbs.  now if you are 6 feet tall, that is a lot of weight.  when you are 5 feet tall, well lets just say its a heck of a lot of weight.  i am eating right & working out, but something is wrong on another level and blood work is being done & tests are being run.  so i just keep doing the “right” things in hope that eventually things will work right again soon.

the problem is this:  with the extra 20 lbs, i don’t like running as much.  did i really say that?!  yes i did.  i am being really honest right now.  i mentioned it to my husband yesterday (he already thinks i’m crazy for enjoying running) he looked at me with a very puzzled look and said “i thought you liked running?”  yeah i do, but it is hard to carry this extra baggage.  i hurt more, i don’t like the way in look in ANYTHING, and running gear is less than forgiving.  it’s not that i’ve had a bad experience or anything, it just isn’t as fun.  i am not burned out, i still want to run, but when i do i hear this voice in my head that says “chub, chub chub”  and my knee hurts and i am scared to injure my feet.  the heavier you are the more the risk of plantar fascia issues and that worries me.

i notice myself talking to other runners like an outsider looking in.  for the hogeye relay i did last sunday, i padded my time.  i should have been honest and said around an hour and a half.  but no, i warned everyone i might not finish and that my time would be 2 hours.  of course i finished, even in the full on monsoon of rain and the fact that i ran twice the distance i had been running.  i did the seven mile leg in an hour and twenty-three minutes.  the hills were numerous and the weather atrocious.  but a few tornado warnings and thunderstorms are not going to keep me from doing my part on a team run.

here it is though.  usually after a grueling race i have the best runners high.  i feel invincible.  oh nay nay.  that day i felt tired, hurting and i just wanted to go to bed.  i was very happy with my time, but i just wanted the day to be over.  so i am in a limbo of what to do.  i am not a quitter.  i love to run.  i just don’t want to run right now.  i want things to work right again and the weight to disappear and then run.  i have some tests at the hospital this week and i hope it will help figure out what is going on.  my heart problem seems to be a big issue with the new doc, i am not that concerned, but to make sure everything is kosher i am going.

today i have a big work load and with spring setting in our business will be booming.  i have been working outside a lot and that helps, but my mind keeps slipping into a defeated way of thinking.  i hate that.  so onward & upward.  putting on my big girl panties and facing each day as it comes.  some days i’ll run, but some days i think i’ll pass.  i don’t want it to become something dreaded, something forced.  so there it is.  i’m a runner who doesn’t wanna run today.  lets just leave it at that.

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There Came a Day…

Posted in Like it or not I'm a Runner, tagged , , , , on April 13, 2012 | 2 Comments »

i have always been a people pleaser, i probably always will be.  but i feel like i am a long way from the person i was before, before i started running that is.  you see running brought out so many things that i had just always told myself i couldn’t or shouldn’t do.  it opened my mind and body to the possibility that i had been underestimating myself.  i was, and so was everyone around me.  if i can change believe me anyone can.  to go from couch potato to marathon finisher is a big one.   but one day in 2009,                           i made a change.

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My Daily Struggle

Posted in Food, Like it or not I'm a Runner, tagged , , , , , , , on April 13, 2012 | 6 Comments »

growing up i was never taught food moderation.  it just didn’t exist.  we ate what we wanted in what ever quantities we desired.  i don’t remember being hungry as a child, but i remember the cravings.  it makes it hard as a young adult and beyond.  i try really hard to teach my daughter how to eat without bringing it too much attention.  there are so many issues with girls & boys and negative food outlooks.  i don’t want a thin child, i want a healthy child who grows into a food conscious healthy adult.  each day i try to remind myself my new motto:  eat to live, rather than live to eat.  for the first 33 years of my life i did just the opposite.  so it is a struggle at times, but i am better for it and a better example because of it.

 

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